Black, Female and Single: The Quest for Companionship and Refusing to Settle


If you haven’t heard, the new media cash cow is targeting black female singlehood. Much of the focus has been on why can’t we find men or what we need to do to find a man and keep him, why black women aren’t getting married and blah, blah, BLAH. One of the main reasons I hear time to time is “ya’ll too picky.” My friend and I have the same discussions and constantly, I am told, “you’re too picky.” Cornelius, I mean, Nelly, recently gave his two cents on why he thinks so many young and intelligent black women are single. He stated:

“We interpret relationships wrong a little bit.  Instead of ‘Do we look right in society’s eyes?’, it should be ‘Does he look right in MY eyes?  Does he take care of me..make me feel special?’  He may not be 6’2 broad shoulders and all that…but I’ve seen girls turn down a great guy because he doesn’t look the part.”

 Now because Nelly is a part-time (more like seasonal) boo of mine, I don’t want to go in on his quote too harshly, however for the sake of making an argument, I will state that while he does raise a good point, the underlying meaning forced me to definitely do a side-eye. Partly because can we ever imagine a man asking himself, “does she take care of me and make me feel special?? She may not have that much a** and yea she does favor Shrek, but she’s a great women, I’m going to keep her.” So to Nelly, I’ve also witnessed men turn down great women because they didn’t look the part.

In opposition, in an interview with, Chilli explained the basis of her dating show, “What Chilli Wants,” she stated:

I was very clear it couldn’t be your typical dating show. I’m very picky and all women should be. I want to encourage women to fight for what it is you really want, and stand by that. Otherwise you will have a lot of heartbreak or will be left unfulfilled. When you bring a lot to the table, you can’t be with someone who is half-stepping.

Aside from her baby hair pumping action, I agree 100% with Rozonda. Did I think some of her wants were extreme? Yeah, but at the end of day, what is wrong with that?? When it comes to black women and dating, why is it that our wants are always pushed aside and labeled “unrealistic?”  Why are made to feel that what we want we can never have so we should just suck it up and settle with what’s available at the moment?

From a history perspective, black women have always been settling or rather forced to. As slaves, some women were forced to marry men in order to procreate. Early 20th century found many black families marrying off their daughters to men solely for social and economic advancement. The 1980s and 1990’s gave rise to out-of-wedlock births and since that had become sort of the norm within the black community, a trend sparked that had men referring to their significant others as “my babymama,” even when there were no children in the relationship. Today, the new term for girlfriends is “wifey,” which to me, devalues the word WIFE.  While these terms are words of endearment the bottom line is, this word give a false hope to black women everywhere. I see so many women settling and staying in relationships because there boyfriend refers to them as wifey, yet these men bring NOTHING to the table and nine times out of ten, she isn’t happy.

For the sake of keeping this post on topic, I will say this: While its hard trying to find that special somebody, I will continue to stand firm in my search. I will not be conditioned into thinking that it is something that I need to fix with myself or something that I need to do to find a man. I’d rather be single and content, than taken and unhappy because the man I’m with doesn’t meet my expectations, yet I did everything to meet his.

~The Queen

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Justina
    Oct 01, 2010 @ 16:08:37

    This was a great post. First, let me say that I am in a committed relationship, and have been for the past 2 years. I never had a checklist for my wants in a man and I feel that being open to different people and types is a very good thing to do, however, I knew there were certain qualities (aside from the physical) that I required in a man, such as being able to have stimulating conversation and challenge me to be a better person. Sometimes women (as do men) have a huge check list, and some of them will turn down a great prospect because he/she doesn’t have quality #112 – dimples. We are allowed to have what we want and refuse what we don’t, however sometimes our wants can go over into the realm of fantasy and our rejections aren’t totally sound. So I say, yes, be picky and require great attributes. Don’t settle, but at the same time, think about if quality #112 – dimples overrides the qualities of being educated, loyal, able to hold a stimulating conversation, and full of spontaneity.


    • T.L.C.
      Oct 01, 2010 @ 17:42:32

      I agree! I actually have friends who have made “lists” that are requirements of things they want in a man and i think that it’s unrealistic because chances are you will never find anyone that will match that list. I’ve never made a list; i think that each experience and relationship get us closer to the kind of man or woman that we want and shows us things that we definitely don’t want. I think you find out that the things you want in a man are not necessarily the things you need.


  2. Trish
    Oct 01, 2010 @ 19:40:07

    Oh Queeny, this post was hilarious LOL. You may want to clarify”side-eye” for the viewers who do NOT understand its meaning (we both know how a misinterpretation of that word can go). But aside from that I feel this is right on target. Unfortunately, I have fallen victim to settling on my quest for true love and happiness. Where has it gotten me you ask???? NO DAMN WHERE. I should have stuck with doing what I do best.. me 😉 So keep encouraging us young women to stay true to our needs AND wants, while hopefully encouraging young men everywhere to step there game up!

    Much Love,



  3. MsLondon
    Oct 04, 2010 @ 13:01:06

    I think Chilli is so on point! ” When you bring a lot to the table, you can’t be with someone who is half-stepping” ……Men need to step their game up.


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