The Top Ten Facebook Offenders

We love Facebook posts around here. We could very well be called the Facebook generation. Over the years, THE QUEEN began noticing patterns in her newsfeed amongst some of her Facebook friends. I’d like to share my top 10 Facebook offenders, aka Newsfeed Killers.

  1. The PDA– aka Public Display of Affection. This is the person who insist on giving EVERY detail of his/her relationship, what significant other did for them, how much they love them, how grateful they are to have significant other, etc.  USUALLY, these are new couples so sprung infatuated early on, or those trying their hardest to prove their relationship to others via Facebook.

  2. The “My people will call your people”- aka Hollywood. Facebook users such as this are usually self-absorbed and pretentious. They generally lead what appear to be an awesome lifestyle and are really caught up in their own ‘fabulousness,’ often as a result of others over-complimenting them in FB pics (i.e. “omg, I’m so jealous!”). Signs of this user include making plans to catch up with others, statuses about just how ‘fabulous’ their life is……Hey, we get it! You’re fabulous(side-eye).

  3. Woe is Me-aka Prozac or NewsfeedKiller#1. This mofo Child of God is either seriously depressed and should be on suicide watch or just loves attention. Your newsfeed is probably littered every day or in waves with this user’s somber statuses, tales, and depressing notes about how crazy their life is, or how bad their day is going. Facebook is my leisure time, I am not trying to hear that shat.

  4. The Chef- aka Food Blogger or NewsfeedKiller#2. SIGH….I’ll admit, I’m a fan of food blogs and if you check my camera and BB, you’ll probably see tons of food pics. I love seeing food that others cook and I like sharing my dishes with the masses time to time. HOWEVER, there is something called a LIMIT and should I and everyone else suffer and see every meal you plan to cook for the entire day, along with bad cell phone pics of your dishes? Do us a favor, invest in a nice camera and get yourself a tumblr page.

  5. E-Thugclick here. Old Wise One describe this user nicely.

  6. Outlook Calendar– If I happened to be a deranged type of habitual FB stalker (see #10), I could probably get away with abducting maybe 40% of my FB friends. Via status updates, you know their every move, (ex.,”off work at five, then hitting up Mirage nightclub around 10ish, see ya’ll there ;-)”) Considering that most people will befriend someone they really don’t know, it is amazing how much detailed information people divulge about their comings and goings.

  7. TV Guide– Not sure what’s coming on tonight or what you already missed? No problem, the TV Guide user will update you as soon as you sign in and view your newsfeed. Unlike The Chef and Woe is Me, usually TV Guide’s updates are helpful.

  8. Ms. Apple Bottoms”/”Mr. Colt 45″– SIGH….Similar to My People Will Call Your People, they are also very self-absorbed. Chances are they have nice bodies and their friends/flunkies adore their bodies only them and drool over their FB bathroom shot pics. However, the difference between Ms. Apple Bottoms/ Mr. Colt 45 and MPWCYP is their life isn’t that “fabulous,”  maybe hot ghetto mess fabulous perhaps.

  9. The Cryptic – aka Brainyquote.  Occasionally you get that one status that you makes you go, “hmm, I wonder what’s going on with them?” The reality is, you will never find out and that’s exactly what The Cryptic user wants. Their statuses are usually original and always subliminal, but sometimes you will get a famous quote that allows the Cryptic to sum up their current situation in a deep, intellectual and thought provoking way, the powers of a Google search.

  10. The Habitual Stalker– Ahhhh I saved the best for last. Every last one of us as Facebook users are guilty of FB stalking someone at least one time. I call that ‘casual stalking.’ For example, you trying to find out if so and so is still with so and so OR genuinely trying to locate a long-lost friend-that’s casual stalking. The Stalker THE QUEEN speaks of is the habitual stalker- the person who can recall what your status was three weeks ago or knows when you edit your profile….but your edits are not posted to your newsfeed…**CRICKETS**

 Did I miss any? Can you find yourself in any of these offenders. I am guilty of a few of these offenses. Are you? Don’t be afraid to share!

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. CoatofHarms
    Apr 15, 2011 @ 01:37:46

    …right on point with the descriptions


  2. Samantha
    Apr 19, 2011 @ 14:48:11

    I love the one about the relationship thing. A couple of months ago this guy I know broke up with his gf and it said “_____ is single.” All these people replied to that saying “great news!” “it’s about damn time!” “happy to hear it!” and stuff like that. There were at least 10 replies like that. It’s like geeze obviously everyone hated ur gf. I looked at his past profile pics and there were pics of the two of them and she responded to one by saying “i love when u post pics of us so everyone knows u are mine.” I’m thinking “wow way to piss all over his wall”. Then about a month or so after the break up post he announces that he’s going to be a father. Half of the people said congrats and the other half said “too bad it’s with her.” I NEVER want to have my business on blast like that. Personally unless ur putting a ring on it u wont get too much recognition on my page.


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