Thank God I Dodged A Bullet

FYI, no, I wasn’t in a recent shoot-out. While watching the new video to Beyonce’s, ‘Best Thing I Never Had’ track, aside from her Ebony Fashion Fair-esque walk at the end and her flawless skin, a few lines from the song stood out to me:

“Thank God you blew it, Thank God I dodged a bullet, I’m so over you, so baby good looking out.”

I could relate, I’m sure others can relate to Bey on this too. Dating someone who is not pulling their own weight in the relationship or not practicing Teddy P’s 50/50 love formula is never good. I have had my experiences in relationships, in which I had been dating someone for a while and throwing a blind eye to the red-flags or their lack of participation in the relationship. In cases such as this, because you love them or think you “love them,” you allow yourself to put those red flags to the side. Not to mention if you think this person is “the one” while they are not proving themselves to be that indeed “special one.” You will set yourself up for a lot of disappointment and wasted time.

'Let It Go, Let It Go, Let It Go, Let It Gooooo'

However, there comes a point, usually that final straw, when everything becomes clear and the realization hits you. You start saying to yourself, “I can do better,” or “I don’t deserve this.” The power and liberation that comes along with letting someone go who’s expiration was long overdue is tremendous. Yet, I don’t want to completely bash “the exes,” because some of the people who turn out not to be “the one” do have some purpose in our lives. The teach us valuable lessons and in the process, we learn what we like and what we don’t like when it comes to picking mates in the future. So with that being said, they aren’t completely made up of douchebag material, just not for us. Furthermore, it’s not until we meet someone better or see that “something old” in person or via social networking, that we indeed think to ourselves, “What the hell was I thinking??!?!” “Damn I’m so off that,” “Thank God they blew it and THANK GOD I dodged that bullet.”

 Can anyone co-sign????

After The Love Is Gone: Bad Break-Up Behavior

Rapper Joe Budden and his ex-girlfriend, video vixen Esther Baxter, recently made the news over a twitter beef. I don’t feel like divulging into what caused the beef, but feel free to read it here. The point of me mentioning the former pair is the twitter beef itself. Joe Budden decided to air his dirty laundry out on Twitter about their relationship, releasing the above photo which is the cover of his new single…..sigh. Between the two, everything from cheating with a NFL baller, losing four babies, can’t turn a “hoe” into a housewife rant, abuse, etc., etc., was discussed on the social-networking site and even the popular radio show, The Breakfast Club. And if you don’t already know, this isn’t the first time Joe Budden has done something along these lines, remember his ex-boo, Tahiry? Yeah, I didn’t think you would, but they too had a similar falling out.

This whole fiasco has me wondering about relationships and the level of maturity one should have after breakups. Joe Budden represents to me the quintessential bitter ex-lover. Remember, this occurred AFTER they had broken-up. Since when is putting your relationship business out there cool? Seems very childish to me. Even after the break-up has occurred, whatever that was done while in the relationship should be left in the past along with the relationship. So you find out that he/she cheated on you while together? Or the ex done got a new boo piece. Ok, you’re no longer with them, so move on. What gratification does one get by putting their ex on blast? Or slashing car tires and all those other Fatal Attraction-esque behavior patterns? Is this a sign that they have not moved on or for the Fatal Attraction folks, just plain ole crazy?  That they are still salty about the breakup? Are phrases like, “you can have my sloppy seconds,” necessary? Budden’s “single” (side-eye), “Ordinary Love Shit” makes me wonder….was she ordinary when you kept a twit-pic of her in your timeline? As far as Esther, who alludes to a miscarriage due to his abuse, I’m curious if she continued to be in the relationship after this occurred? SMH

CT Readers, have you ever witnessed or gone through your own case of relationship immaturity/bad behavior after a breakup? Let’s hear it!

Waiting For The Leading Role: Does ‘Talking’ For Too Long Lead To Complications?

While talking about dating and relationships, my friend shared something with me that her friend had shared with her some time ago. The friend (male), felt that he was being led on by his female friend whom he had been talking to for a while. Finally, one day he had enough and asked, ‘Where is this going? I need to know if you want me to be your leading man.’

I didn’t ask nor need any details of his situation, I had enough information to conclude that his statement showed the sign of someone who was done with the ‘talking phase’ of their friendship/relationship. For those who aren’t familiar with the term, ‘talking’, it is when two people have not established themselves as a couple officially, and technically can date other people. They go out on dates and in some cases are intimate with one another. Today I wanted to talk about the complications of allowing a talking phase to go on for too long. Generally, the talking phase of a potential relationship lasts on average 3-4 months, and while you can not put a time frame on the phase, it shouldn’t last that long. During this period, you’re learning things about one another, the dates are plentiful, and the phone conversations are still a tad bit awkward when the silence occurs. Importantly though, this is the phase that one should be able to determine if the other is datable and if they want to take the friendship to the next level (i.e. relationship).

However, what happens when you two have become intimate during this period? Does this complicate things? Meaning, even though there is no exclusivity, and one is free to date someone else, having sex during this time complicates the possibility of having a relationship? Does this delay your chances of getting in that leading role?  For starters, it is like human nature for both men and women to hold back initially while talking to someone, it is like a defense mechanism. For women, we don’t want the man to get too comfortable with where he is because if we give too much, he’ll get comfortable and there will be no need to commit. As far as men, they hold back for fear of getting hurt and no man wants to get  played. This in itself can delay a relationship, but once those guards are down, and you both are comfortable with one another enough to be intimate, then what?

The complications…..

The awkwardness of having to explain who this person is to your family and friends, since you’ve been hanging out for a while with this person, but you’re still ‘talking, ‘ therefore introducing them as your “boy/girlfriend” is out of the question. Or when feelings become too deep for one of you, and you start to put yourself out there more when you know you shouldn’t (i.e. “That was so good, I’mma buy him a short set”-Bey).

In all, talking to someone is necessary, because you’ll waste a lot of time, energy and emotions if you don’t, but all things must end. ‘Talking’ can only last for so long until one begins to question where things are going and real relationship behavior begins.And while its different if you have already established that you don’t want a relationship period, those who  haven’t established what it is that they want ultimately leads to someone getting lead on and feelings getting hurt.

SO, CT folks, when should the talking phase end?

In The Dating Game: Are Women Taking a Cue From Men?

Jacqueline- Marcus' match

  

When it comes to dating, some men are notorious for their lackadaisical approach to women and relationships. Texts are the choice of communication. Going dutch is the preferred method of payment when going out. AND, some like that openness of a not-so committed relationship. Whatever the case may be, (i.e. honestly not interested in a serious relationship at the moment, afraid of commitment, he’s married, etc.), women of today are taking note. Some women have adopted the, “if you can’t beat them, join them” philosophy.

“If you don’t want to talk via phone, fine, text it is and when you do call, I might just be unavailable.”

“Going dutch?? Not a problem, I have the money.”

 

There seems to be the notion that when a man does not want an exclusive relationship, the woman is the one who is getting the short end of the stick in these situations. Or that we’re making it so much easier for men to date us, but I beg to differ. Women are far more independent and liberated and know what they want these days, and thus, we’re making it easier for ourselves. There are women who don’t see the benefit of an exclusive, committed relationship, and yes, there are instances where she is not promiscuous, or “loose as a goose.”

In addition, with the exception of those women who stay in relationships with men for years, produce children and there’s no promise of commitment in sight, most know when to say, “ok, you’re not bringing anything to the table anymore, time to go”- much like men. Men are quick to dismiss a woman when she’s not offering him anything. Why can’t women think and behave the same way? If a woman is happy, satisfied and safe, what’s wrong with enjoying the freedom of dating someone, but having that option to date other men as she pleases? Men do…..

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